This is where we are, for now...

drop it like it's hot

2011-05-01T22:04:00.000-04:00

WhereWeAreForNow.blogspot.com is now...

(in case you were wondering!)

Subscription Info for New Sites

2011-01-31T23:28:00.001-05:00

Most of you have realized that we are no longer updating this site. We have moved to WhereWeAreForNow.blogspot.com.

You can have any updates e-mailed directly to you by subscribing here. (http://feedburner.google.com/fb/a/mailverify?uri=WhereWeAreForNow&loc=en_US)

Not only has our family site gotten a new look, but feel free to check out Punkin' Ponderings--a collection of funny things said by our toddler and Malachi's page. The subscription links for those pages can be found below as well.

Don't forget to click on the link provided in the confirmation e-mail in order to receive updates! This is a great alternative rather than having to check in periodically--updates sent directly to your inbox!

Click here to subscribe to Punkin' Ponderings

Click here to subscribe to Malachi's site

Last Post

2011-01-15T23:13:00.000-05:00

Just wanted to give everyone who stops at this site every now and then to check up on us the final word that we've officially moved over to WhereWeAreForNow.blogspot.com. Also, we have our first giveaway in the works and you can enter by leaving a comment "here". The new site has a "subscribe via email" option if you would like to do that as opposed to "following". (I'm pretty sure there's a difference, but I could be wrong!) Anywho, hope you like the new look and feel free to enter into the giveaway--$25 is always a nice treat ;)

Up and Running...

2011-01-06T21:21:00.000-05:00

Okay, so it's nowhere near where I would like for it to be, but I'll work on the design more as I'm able. Not writing is driving me crazy and I find that I forget a lot when I don't process--which honestly I don't mind forgetting the bad days. However, that's not life.

Anywho, we can now be found over at WhereWeAreForNow.blogspot.com. A lot of people started following the blog when Malachi was born to keep tabs on his progress and all that. I will by no means be offended if people don't tag along with us, but if you want to keep up with the Sharbaughs feel free to subscribe at the new site.

If God is Good (Book Review)

2011-01-02T15:39:00.000-05:00

I cannot even begin to tell you how happy I was to see Randy Alcorn's "If God Is Good: Faith in the Midst of Suffering and Evil" come available for review by Waterbrook Multnomah. As you can tell from the title, this book is greatly appealing to me at this stage of life. For those of you who haven't been following our story, this past May we buried our first son after a seven-month battle and stay at a local children's hospital. It is excruciatingly hard to watch your child suffer day in and day out---attempting to beat the odds. I knew in my head and my heart that God is/was good, but would not be able to formulate the appropriate argument and reasoning from Scripture to clearly support the goodness of God. If you've never experienced hard and real suffering, give it time---you will. This book will help you be prepared to handle those dark times when life doesn't seem to make much sense.

Due to the sheer wealth of information within this book, I have yet to be able to fully process and digest it all and have only completed a quick overview of the book as a whole. I have to decided to actually take my time and work through this book as if I were allowing Alcorn to teach this subject to me as an academic college course. I wish I had been this excited for all my college courses!

I would highly recommend this book to anyone who would like to get a better grasp from real-life circumstances as well as from the authority of God's Word regarding the question: "If God is good....?" Truly a great read without the fluff. Straight talk on a serious issue. Looking forward to more books by Randy Alcorn.

I received this book for free from WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group for this review.

new site in the works

2010-12-20T22:52:00.000-05:00

Baby Jackson

2010-12-15T15:47:00.000-05:00

So we've officially hit the one-month mark with our newest addition, Jackson Nehemiah! Overall, he has been a GREAT baby. Although, it could just be that I've amplified in my mind all of Emma's crying and horrible nursing experience to the point that any baby would seem easy compared to her--well, except for Malachi (he was pretty complex!)... He really is just about the cutest little boy you'll ever see. He spends most of his days (and nights) SLEEPING! The sight of a sleeping babe is truly precious--hence the first three pictures of this post!

At five days old, he was already up to his birthweight. Now, at one month, he has gained THREE pounds. Clearly, we've got breastfeeding (mostly) down with this munchkin'--a completely new experience for me. I think God is using the nursing success as a means of answer the prayers of so many that I would have a deep, immediate attachment to this baby--a fear of mine as I am still almost daily grieving for the loss of our babe Malachi. I really, really can't get enough of this kid!

In the beginning, it was VERY difficult for me to allow anyone else to hold Jackson--including John. It wasn't so much me just being selfish, but I wanted to take each and every opportunity I could to snuggle this baby. Sometimes Malachi was so sick that we weren't even able to touch him--let alone HOLD him! However, if I learned anything from our experience with Malachi it was that our children are not our own. They are gifts from the Lord whom we have been given the privilege of stewarding. So when I attend a Christmas get-together or spend time with extended family, I have to force myself to ask "Anybody want to hold the baby?" as soon as we walk in the door, or I know it's not gonna happen and I'll just hoard him all night long.

Just like with Emerson, Jackson was born looking just like my side of the family but is quickly turning into a baby-image of his father. Emma continues to go back and forth between looking like me and looking like her daddy, so it will be interesting to see if Jackson follows suit. I'm hoping he just looks more and more like his daddy! I've been able to capture a few smiles (or at least smirks) on "film" and he's starting to realize that he can intentionally make noises--so that's always fun. I mean seriously, how can you resist this charm!?!? One thing he quickly grew out of though were his pig noises. He would grunt EXACTLY like a little piglet when he was trying to forage for food. I miss those piggy snorts.

Happy one month Jackson, I've enjoyed getting to know you!

quick pics

2010-12-14T23:56:00.000-05:00

boxes and boxes... there were still more to come. at this point we hadnt emptied our stuff from johns parents...

a peek at the new countertops...

pantry almost done...

sink preview...

mt favorite place in the new house. board and batten throughout--my husband loves me dearly to put all this up.

we're taking a hiatus on working on the house during the holidays and enjoying time as a family when john gets home from work for the day. we'll hit it hard again in 2011!

songs

2010-12-11T20:16:00.000-05:00

head over to chis blog at http://www.malachisharbaugh.blogspot.com/ to view/listen to some lyrics that have touched me/us lately. (and i haven't even started listening to the Steven Curtis Chapman CD he wrote after losing his daughter)... the last three posts are all song related.

Book Recommendations

2010-12-10T21:47:00.000-05:00

Experienced a great loss? Know someone who has?

Recently, I have read these books through tears and tissues and would highly recommend them to anyone who would like insight on what the past 2-1/2 years, but more specifically the last almost 7 months have been like for me. I was able to very directly relate to these authors and their lives by what we have experienced in the last 2-1/2 years through miscarriage, hospital life, disability, burying our baby, and the ensuing grief.

Safe in the Arms of God (John MacArthur)

Biblically based assurance that I will see my babies when I join them in heaven.

A Different Dream for My Child by Jolene Philo

Meditations for Parents of Critically or Chronically Ill Children

How to Help a Grieving Friend by Stephanie Grace Whitson

More info regarding this book HERE.

Choosing to SEE by Mary Beth Chapman

A fellow mom who experienced both miscarriage and the death of a child.

Holding on to Hope by Nancy Guthrie

Another mom's journey through grief after losing two children--each 6 months of age (like Chi).

A Year With God (Book Review)

2010-12-10T10:53:00.001-05:00

A Year with God: Making His Thoughts Your Thoughts by R.P. Nettelhorst

I was given a free copy of this book in exchange for my honest review by BookSneeze. They did not provide any other measure of compensation--only asking for an honest review in return. My review was not required to be positive.

Overall, I think it was a decent surface-type devotional. However it was not something that I would see at a bookstore and buy it off the shelf. I actually prefer devotionals and studies with a little more "meat" to them.

I do like that the scriptures used all came from the Old Testament--definitely not the case with most devotional type books and it was nice to see something different. I also liked that there were distinct topical sections within the book (Hope and Fear, Love and Hate, Perseverance and Quitting, Faith and Doubt, Loyalty and Betrayal, Companionship and Isolation, Mercy and Judgment, Forgiveness and Anger, Joy and Sadness, Peace and Conflict). These topics can be related to by everyone--myself included. I will keep this book within easy reach on my bookshelf even just for the quick reads in the arena of "Joy and Sadness".

Homesick

2010-12-07T18:49:00.000-05:00

(also posted on Chi's site, apologies if you subscribe to both)

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times and at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you. But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry is how long must I wait to be with you. I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place. Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow; I've never been more homesick than now.

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways. The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know. But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same 'cause I'm still here so far away from home. I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place. Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow. I've never been more homesick than now.

In Christ, there are no goodbyes. And in Christ, there is no end. So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have to see you again. To see you again.

And I close my eyes and I see your face. If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place. Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow.

I've never been more homesick than now.

(Homesick by MercyMe)

Merry Christmas

2010-12-05T13:52:00.000-05:00

Vintage Lace Snowflakes Christmas Card

Shop Shutterfly for elegant custom Christmas photo cards.

View the entire collection of cards.

WINNER!!!

2010-12-01T22:45:00.000-05:00

Congrats to Victoria Nelson (mom to CHARGEr Moriah--pretty sure her and Chi would have been a great couple ;) not that it ever crossed John and I's mind).

Her guess for Baby Jackson was as follows...
im guessing Nov. 11th.
wt. 7 lbs 7 oz
ht. 19 1/2

Actual figures: Nov 11...7lb 13oz...20.5 inches

Good work! Your amazon gift card will be in your e-mail inbox in the next day or so. Enjoy!

jackson's first package

2010-12-01T22:29:00.000-05:00

Last week Jackson received his first package... I just can't resist sharing this with you...

Of course, we needed to start this kid off right as a hawkeye fan (the sender thought likewise!).

And have you EVER seen these!?!? I laughed for a solid hour when I read the packaging. It's a Pee-Pee TeePee! I'm assuming you can figure out what it's for ;)

Thanksgiving Pie Night

2010-11-28T01:12:00.001-05:00

The Wednesday night before Thanksgiving our church puts a hold on the usual Wednesday night church activities and has an annual pie night time of fellowship with one another as a church body. I love listening to the stories of those in my church family and how God has worked through the good and bad to bring each one of us closer to Him.

The first pie night we were a part of we were still relatively new to the church and it was only a couple of months after I had miscarried with Jordan. I felt led to get up and say something (which completely evades me at this point) even though most were unaware of what had happened. Last year, we were in the hospital with Malachi during pie night. Because I knew God would once again lead me to get up and share at least something of His goodness throughout the trials of the last year, I came prepared!

This year there was kind of an "order" for people to share. There was a time of singing and then those over 30 were encouraged to share something. When people in that age bracket were seemingly done, one of our pastors told us how he was encouraged by those of us in our church who suffered great loss of loved ones in the past year who clung to God during those times instead of turning our backs. Tears immediately fill my eyes and I knew I would be unable to coherently give a testimony.

John stepped up and took my notes paired with what he had wanted to say and kind of just spoke for the both of us while I sat with tears streaming down my face. Had I been composed, this is what I had planned to say...

I am thankful for God's peace. In God's Word, He promises to "keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You: because he trusts in You" (Isaiah 26:3). We had a 30 minute drive to and from the hospital each day to spend time with Malachi and meet with doctors and figure out what was best for our baby. Many times I would spend that time listening to this CD. It kind of became my "pump-up" music to keep me in the right mindset when our lives were filled with questions and uncertainty. This song in particular very much kept our minds stayed on our great God who had ordained each and every one of Malachi's days.

EVERY DAY
In Your grace, You know where I walk
You know when I fail
You know all my ways
In Your love, I know You allow
What I cannot grasp
To bring Your praise

Thank You for the trials
For the fire, for the pain
Thank You for the strength
Knowing You have ordained
Every day

Your great power is shown when I’m weak
You help me to see
Your love in this place
Perfect peace is filling my mind
And drawing my heart
To praise You again

In my uncertainty, Your Word is all I need
To know You’re with me every day (repeat)

At their website they include the following little blurb regarding the CD...
But all our problems don’t end when we turn to Christ. We still get sick. Marriages end. Children die. Our plans, great or small, are disrupted. We grow weary in the battle.

Scripture assures us that God is sovereignly using our difficulties as tools to make us more like his Son. “We rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.” (Ro 5:3–5) While we know these things are true, in the midst of our hardships we can lose perspective. Problems can loom large, and our hopes can grow dim.
Come Weary Saints is an invitation to redirect your focus to the God whose love has been forever demonstrated at the cross of Calvary. As you listen to these songs, may your faith and joy in the Savior be strengthened for the challenges you face, now or in the future.

updates

2010-11-20T00:50:00.000-05:00

So, I realize for those of you who don't keep up with us on Facebook I kinda left you hangin' with the whole "my fluid levels are low and we're inducing labor.... today" post. I promise--all is well!!!

Here's the quick version:
Went to the hospital late Tuesday night with contractions coming every five minutes for almost two hours. Once they got me hooked up to the monitors and all that to see how things were going, baby's heart rate had an episode of deceleration which required me to be on oxygen support to help baby. Through the night, I puked and from that point, contractions slowly came to an end. Had it not been for that deceleration episode they would have sent me home, but they wanted to keep me overnight for observation. My doctor came in the next morning and ordered an ultrasound (biophysical profile) to be done on baby just to check things out before sending us home. The fluid levels were measured REALLY low... twice. by two different techs. It was low enough that my doctor (with John and myself) decided to induce. Pitocin was begun, contractions started back up, and eventually my doc broke my water. Shortly thereafter, anesthesia came in to administer my epidural (he did a great job) and I slept the next six hours. I was so very thankful for this sleep as I had stayed awake all of the previous night (due to frustration of ending contractions) and was in dire need of decent rest. At about 12:30 am, I was completely dilated. The room was set up, my doc came in, and baby arrived a push later (yeah, that part of my deliveries goes pretty quickly). It was love at first sight and we've been snuggling and loving on him as much as possible ever since!

Overall, he has a pretty laid-back demeanor (so far, at least). Nursing--which was the most horrible experience with Emerson--has gone wonderfully! I had already come to terms with the fact that Jackson would also prove to be a difficult eater and that we just wouldn't connect when it comes to breastfeeding. I was quick to remind myself that I only lasted 5 or 6 weeks with Emma and she's turned out fine up to this point. If nursing wasn't going to work out, I would just make the switch to formula and not look back. Praise the Lord (yes, this is something I and some close friends had been praying about), Jackson is a GREAT eater. It was funny, one morning the new nurse came in while I was feeding him and she said, "Wow, you can really tell which moms are experienced breastfeeders..." I literally laughed out loud. ME?!?! experienced!?!? HA! The lactation consultant even used us as an example for proper technique! Needless to say, things are going much better than expected! The past few nights, he has eaten at midnight or so (which I'm already up for), then again at 330 or so, and then not til like 8 or 830--all the while going right back to sleep after he's finished eating! All that to say, God is good--so very, very good! (oh, and he was back up to birth weight as his 5-day doc appt. I told you he was a good eater!)

I was so worried that I wouldn't be immediately in love with this baby and that my grief from Malachi's death would still be too much to allow for room for Jackson. I knew, however, that God answers prayers that are asked according to His will. Obviously, it would be God's will for me to LOVE my son, so even though I couldn't fathom it I was able to trust that God would answer that prayer for our family. Sure enough, as soon as I laid eyes on this baby I was smitten. Completely infatuated. Unashamedly in love.

It is interesting to John and I just how much more appreciative we are of the little (big) things that come with a healthy baby. For instance, knowing our baby can hear us and that he can see us is a blessing we most definitely took for granted with Emerson. Not only that, but we were thankful for things like the ability for him to breathe on his own without the use of a ventilator, let alone the ability to breathe through his nose! Jackson was perfectly knit by God within my very being. Amazing!

Lastly...
As you've noticed, we landed on the name Jackson Nehemiah. Not only do we really like how the name Jackson sounds, but Jack (for whatever reason) is a nickname for John and obviously this baby is John's son. So to that end, he is somewhat named after my husband without just blatantly calling him John Jr. The name Nehemiah means God will comfort. What an appropriate promise for our family to cling to now and always. A perfect name for our perfect gift from above.

Free Shutterfly for Christmas

2010-11-17T19:14:00.000-05:00

Hey bloggers, right now Shutterfly.com is really pushing their holiday card promotion and not only do I want to take part in the 50 FREE PHOTOCARDS, but I thought some of you might like to as well! Did I mention FREE!?!? Just visit http://blog.shutterfly.com/5358/holiday2010-blog-submission-form/ for details.

I've had great experiences with Shutterfly in the past with both photobooks and Christmas cards.

Personalized photobooks are always a hit for gifts to grandparents and kiddos alike. I made this ABC book for Emerson a while ago. I waited for a promotion and received it with shipping for under $10! It's hardcover and the pics are great quality!

Click here to view this photo book larger

I also received these free Christmas cards last year:

Or, maybe you have the need for birth announcements ;)

Taking a quick peek at the website, there are over 188 templates to choose from . Right now, I'm leaning toward this classic black and white option.

Now, I'll just have to make sure I get a good pic of Miss Emerson and Mr. Jackson.

Introducing...

2010-11-17T14:25:00.001-05:00

Baby time!

2010-11-10T14:13:00.000-05:00

So turns out it was actually a good thing they kept me overnight.
Yesterday at my doc appt my fluid levels were normal range 16.8. (I
wanted them to check due to polyhydramnios with Chi-excess of amniotic
fluid). Doc explained over 10 was good. Under 10 was cause for close
watch. Under 5 was too low and baby needed out.

Due to a decelerated fetal heart rate episode last night, they kept me
for observation. Doc ordered a BPP (biophysical profile) to double
check everything before going home. Baby himself looked good, but
fluid level was 6. The discrepancy from yesterday to today was
great--16.8 to 6. Doc wanted a recheck before discharge to home to
verify. Next scan showed 4.4.

So iv was placed, labs have been drawn, pit has been started and-by
golly-we are having a baby! A little sooner than anticipated, but
please pray with us for a smooth rest of the delivery and all the
crazy emotions that are sure to follow.

For now I'm going to get some "rest" and enjoy toy story 3 with my
husband ;).

Frustrating

2010-11-10T04:29:00.000-05:00

They might as well send me home. My nice contractions that had made
their way to 2.5 min apart seem to have dissipated after I lost my
dinner. Not the direction I thought we were headed. I'm gonna feel
pretty stupid if they send me home without baby.

37-week visit

2010-11-10T01:43:00.000-05:00

Major news of the visit:
Dilated to 3. Still 50%
ultrasound showed baby at 8+ lbs!

Oh and we are at the hospital tonight currently with contractions 3
min apart or so. Please pray. Crazy days are sure to follow.

house updates...

2010-11-06T00:11:00.000-04:00

cutting in purple in emmas room...

nursery primed...

master bedroom primed...

some color in the master...

nursery sneak peek...

emma room sneak peek...

helping mommy paint baseboards for master...

dark gray loft...

so, so, so, SO much cleaning (and painting and woodwork and flooring and moving and unpacking) yet to do... it's progress though!

Fall Things...

2010-11-05T23:54:00.000-04:00

our little artist...

so proud...

finished punkin' by our punkin'

zoo boo... stopped to take a pic for daddy who was working at the house. (cheese face) when she had her princess gown on she insisted calling me "my majesty".

when we stopped at the house on the way home to bring daddy dinner, we noticed trick-or-treaters. a mice unexpected end to our evening. daddy and his princess...

Helpful hints for your guesses.

2010-11-03T09:00:00.002-04:00

I realized I could probably include some further helps. If you've left
your guess already feel free to keep it OR if you'd like, place a new
one (which will simply then void the first prediction)...

--original due date thought to be 11/27.
--32wk ultrasound measured baby at 5lb and a few ounces.
--34wk belly was measuring 38cm
--36wk belly was back to 36cm with baby dropped and head down.
--I'm dilated to 1.5cm and at 50%

Emerson was 8lb 8oz at 39 weeks.
Malachi was sick and he was still 7lb 8oz at 39 weeks.

36 weeks

2010-11-02T20:27:00.001-04:00

Taking guesses...NOW! leave a comment with your email address and your best guess for delivery date and weight. The person who comes the closest will receive a $5 gift card to amazon.com. Also, include your guess for length--if there is a tie, we will use the length guess as a tie-breaker! Let the games begin...

Sorry, no pic. I don't THINK i'm any bigger than before, so you can refer to the 34-week post below ;)

The quick stats:
BP: 116/68
weight: 188 (total gain of 33/up 3 from 34-week visit)
*can't believe I'm keeping track of this in a public arena!*
abdomen: 36 cm--back on appropriate pace and baby has dropped!
baby position: head down.
dilation: 1.5 cm
effaced: 50%

baby will be here before you know it!

What In The World Is Going On? (Dr. David Jeremiah)

2010-10-20T22:56:00.000-04:00

Dr. David Jeremiah is the senior pastor at a church in California. This book has come as a result of a study he preached through regarding end times (eschatology) as they are described in the Bible. Laid out in an easy-to-read format, Dr. Jeremiah spells out ten scriptural prophecies concerning this topic and how current events truly fit into these descriptions as they were told many, many years ago.

I found this book to be much more interesting than I had originally anticipated. In fact, the book sat on my bedside table for over two months before I got around to reading it. However, when I dug in, I found that it was actually very intriguing and made my way through it in a matter of just a few days. He made me think, and I was challenged to take a more in-depth look at how where we are as a society, as a nation, fits into the grand scheme of things. For anyone looking for a reader-friendly, lay-person knowledge of the Biblical prophecies regarding the end-times, this is the book for you.

To comply with new regulations introduced by the Federal Trade Commission, I need to mention that Booksneeze has provided mewith a complimentary copy of this book for reviewing purposes.

34 weeks...

2010-10-20T22:17:00.000-04:00

The quick stats:
BP: 118/70
weight: 185 (total gain of 30/up 2 from 32-week visit)
abdomen: 38 cm (yep, now measuring FOUR WEEKS ahead)
baby HR: 150
baby activity: TONS of consistent movement. daily bouts of hiccups.

*easy way to avoid the double-chin look: place the camera in front of your ENTIRE face when taking a pic of yourself in the mirror ;)

How to Help a Grieving Friend

2010-10-10T23:07:00.001-04:00

I recently checked out "How to Help a Grieving Friend" by Stephanie Grace Whitson from the library. I would highly recommend this book to anyone who wants an inside look--at least a glimpse--into the life of someone grieving a great loss. As I made my way through it, I sobbed. She puts into words some of the thoughts that have swirled around my head for the last several months...I'm gonna go through and try to highlight a few of these things (it might get lengthy, you've been forewarned!)... The following are excerpts straight from the book.

Intro: "This book is my attempt to use what I have learned 'in the valley of the shadow of death' to help others avoid being well-meaning but clueless...Quick and easy to read, this little book will give you important insight into how it feels to experience a profound loss and then will offer you specific ideas on how to help."

"You will undoubtedly think that some of the more emotional entries are misplaced. This can't be right...She should have been past this stage. Guess what? Grief doesn't happen in neat little stages. Please remember this when you help your friend. Just when we think we are making progress, grief has a way of rising up and slashing us right through the heart all over again."

"If you become aware of a mistake you've made, apologize. This is important: Don't stay away. Don't stop trying."

At times, this has been true...
How It Feels
If one more person quotes Romans 8:28 to me--or some other comfort cliche--I am going to SCREAM. I know Romans 8:28 by heart. I can read it in Greek. And French. It doesn't help. All I want is someone to listen to my pain. And maybe give me a hug. I haven't had a hug in a long, long time.

How to Help
Don't apologize for not knowing what to say:
Chances are, there isn't anything you can say that will really help. Your hand on my shoulder, your hug, and your presence mean a lot.

Delete comfort cliches:
I know every cloud has a silver lining. Remind me another time. Hurt with me now.

Let Me Be Angry:
It may not make any sense at all, but some days I'm just mad--at people who still have what I've lost, at people who are too nice, at God. Just let me vent.

Don't Expect a "Thank You" Card:
I just don't have the energy to observe social graces right now. I am grateful. Just know it. [this is something i've felt very guilty of at times]

Accept my New Quirks:
If I'm reluctant, don't push it. Grief changes people--permanently. I may never be "my old self" again. But I just might be a better self if you give me some time.

How It Feels
I cannot listen to the sermon today. I do not care about parsing verbs or premillennialism. I know my hope is in the future. My life is on autopilot while I wait for and anticipate reunion and eternity. Certainly I am glad to know that someday God will wipe away all tears, for I have cried enough. I should be content with "the everlasting arms"--but I am not. If I say, "Not my will but thine be done" often enough, will I eventually stop wanting him back and accept his departure as God's will and therefore as ultimate good? My heart is broken, my world has been destroyed...and the lesson today is on prophecy. I don't know how I am going to get through the next five minutes. I don't care about what will happen during the seven-year Tribulation.

How to Help
Accept No for an Answer:
It's exhausting pretending to be happy in a group so I don't depress everyone around me. If I say no, it doesn't mean I don't want your friendship. It just means I'm too tired to hang out right now.

Say the Name:
Nothing hurts worse than thinking everyone else has forgotten him or her. It's comforting to know that someone remembers, even if it makes me cry.

Remember the Dates:
Valentine's Day, my birthday, his or her birthday, are going to be awful this year. And then there is the new one: Death Day. You can't change the awfulness, but knowing that you remember makes me feel less alone.

Send Flowers--Later:
It takes a while for the permanency of my loss to sink in. I will probably need signs of your caring even more later.

Be Specific:
'Call me anytime' has no meaning. 'I can run errands for you from 10AM to noon on Saturday' means you mean it.

How It Feels
Not Being There is what I did last year. I was not There because my Here felt too overwhelming for me to contemplate anything else...I was Here for him...I was not There for my friends...It was my year of Not Being There for my friends, but I was Here for my [child]...Could I relive that year, I would still choose Being Here for my [child] and Not Being There for a stressed friend. I have wanted to scream the reality of what I went through to those who just don't seem to get it. I have wanted to yell about catheters and skeletal bodies, about feeding nightmares and listening all night to labored breathing. Maybe it would help them understand the way of my Not Being There. But I don't want to reduce my beloved's valiant struggle to a contest of Who Had It Worse. He deserves better. So do I. I wasn't There. My job was Here. Please try to understand.

How to Help
Don't Ask If Things Are "Back To Normal":
Normal just isn't a word that describes any aspect of my life right now. My reference point for normal has been ripped away. In time, I'll get a new definition. But right now, I don't know what normal means.

Be Suspicious of My Smiles:
I learned very quickly to hide my misery so I won't drag other people down. Don't always believe my mask.

Accept My Tears:
Don't be embarrassed when I cry. Tears are healing. They must be shed. Crying alone hurts worse.

Remember:
Two months, six months, a year after my loss, I am still facing new hurts. A note or an e-mail that tells me you know means a lot.

Celebrate Life:
If you appreciate life more because of my loss, tell me. It helps me to know that something good is coming from all this hurt.

Then she includes a whole list of times to pray for me, while all of them apply, here are a couple:
...because the second year is turning out to be harder than the first.
...when it's been long enough that you think I should be all right by now.

To find out more about the author, visit http://www.stephaniewhitson.com/.
Also, none of the above is any new idea or anything on my end. All credit belongs to the author and this great resource for those who want to know how to help those who hurt.

let the priming begin

2010-10-07T23:08:00.000-04:00

It's only just begun....

We were actually able to knock out a lot of the first-coat of primer this evening thank to the help of some friends! Can't wait to see the difference two coats will make!

(front room)

(living room)

(one of the walls in the kitchen)

(priming subfloor of upstairs--cover and seal any grossness before new carpet)

(quick shot of floors finished)

Today was also spent cleaning window sills (they were NASTY) and removing all the shelving from closets. The master bedroom/bath seems to always be the last room we get to when doing tasks that need to be done throughout the entire house--either we run out of steam or run out of time (which both were the case this morning while Teri was helping with the windows!) There is still much to clean and tons of renovating to do, but at least it LOOKS like we're making progress!

32 weeks....

2010-10-04T21:31:00.001-04:00

Nevermind the looks on my face during these photos... I didn't want to take the time to photoshop them to at least draw more attention to the belly... As you can see by the first photo, I slump and slouch. There is too much in front now and I'm too weak to battle gravity!

I still have 6-8 more week of protrusion ahead of me.... really!??!

The quick stats:BP: 118/73
weight: 183 (total gain of 28/up 3 from 30-week visit)
abdomen: not measured
baby HR: 125
baby activity: TONS of consistent movement.
baby size: 5 pounds! (give or take) and measuring two weeks ahead of schedule.

Here's a sneak peek of baby...

Do you really love Christ?

2010-10-03T22:29:00.000-04:00

God has been testing me in this area lately. Between regular church services, our "Idols of the Heart" Bible study, books I've been reading (John Piper's When I Don't Desire God: How to Fight for Joy) and the True Woman Conference, I've been forced to take a look at my priorities. Being a Christian isn't simply saying a prayer or going to church--it's a way of life. The gift of salvation of eternity in heaven as opposed to hell is not free as some would have you to believe. In fact, it is SO COSTLY that there is no possible way that any human could pay up. Christ DIED on the cross when He was completely blameless so that those who give their lives to Him might truly live in (one day) perfect fellowship with God--our very Creator.

A life for a life.

Your lifestyle will either prove or disprove your love of Christ. The lives of believers should be radically different than the lives of unbelievers. The impact of the gospel should drastically affect the life of a true believer.

The unbeliever will minimize the truth and authority of God's Word, therefore rationalizing a "live it up" attitude, doing whatever seems right in your own eyes, coarse/vulgar language, gossip, an indulgent lifestyle (getting what I want when I want it), resenting or dishonoring your husband, letting others raise your kids, spoiling your kids, living impulsively, being impure and immodest (especially in the way you dress).

On the other hand, the believer is called to be a model of godliness and purity, being reverent in behavior, speaking truth and encouragement, living a temperate lifestyle, teaching what is good, loving your husband, loving your children, valuing motherhood, being self-controlled, being kind and other-centered, and submitting to your husband.

Clearly, I am not a prime example of the latter and I know I have a LOT of room for improvement and growth in my overall lifestyle, but I am thankful that the Holy Spirit is working within me and my life at least somewhat emulates the life to which God has called me. Growing up, I did not witness first-hand a godly marriage. So anything "right" in my relationship with my husband can only be attributed to God's working in our lives. December will mark four years for John and I, and we have certainly been tested. Please pray for us as we continue to navigate this path of grief and growing while welcoming a new babe into our family. Its definitely much appreciated.

It's Official... We've Closed!!

2010-09-30T14:52:00.009-04:00

As of 9/22/10, we have once again entered the world of homeownership. Here are some "before" pics of the second foreclosure we've recently purchased. There is much to be done, and I'm so very thankful that my husband is considering this a labor of love for our family--but mostly for ME! Yes, I know, he's amazing...

So here's a quick tour:

front of house

first things first, CHANGE THE LOCKS!

there's a front room area, somewhat separate from the living room. (also, to the right of this pic is a half bath and coat closet)

quick couple shots of the kitchen

through that door is a laundry room/mudroom
floors are all officially ripped up! now to get this stinky pile out of the house!

a look from the kitchen into the living areas

lots of paint to cover in this house!

little room at the top of the stairs (more paint!)

yes, lots of priming in our very near future!

the gloriously huge master :)
this is from sitting area looking into sleeping area

from sleeping area to sitting area
(master bath/closet through that little door on the far wall)

So there's a quick peek at the before... hopefully I'll be diligent about tracking our progress. Also, if anyone wants to help scrub floors, walls, and bathrooms--LET ME KNOW and we'll PUT YOU TO WORK!

Pursuit of Justice

2010-09-29T13:42:00.003-04:00

I just finished reading Pursuit of Justice by DiAnn Mills. I knew nothing of the author or other books in the "Call of Duty" series when I requested a copy, BUT I was quickly hooked even just reading the back cover:

"For centuries, the legend of the Spider Rock treasure has lured people to west Texas with promises of unimaginable wealth.

And it just claimed three more victims.

Did they fall prey to the legend's curse or just get too close to someone else's discovery? To investigate the murders, the FBI calls in one of its most promising up-and-comers--Special Agent Bella Jordan. What they don't know is that one of their prime suspects is deeply connected to the past she's been running from for fourteen years.

As Bella begins to sift through evidence, another murder and threats on her own life convince her she's hunting an experienced killer... and he's not working alone. To catch the suspect before he catches her, Bella must draw on all her skill and instinct and finally gather the courage to face the memories she's tried so hard to forget."

MY THOUGHTS:
After reading this book (the 3rd in the series), I definitely would like to find the time to go back and read the first two--Breach of Trust and Sworn to Protect. I liked the "realness" of the character in this book. The relationships she had with other characters throughout the book weren't forcefully written and came pretty naturally. I felt like Bella's fears were real, thoughts were real, and actions were real within the circumstances she found herself. With each new development in the case, I found myself guessing as to how things would turn out in the end, who I could trust, and who was really an enemy. I had never read anything by DiAnn Mills before, so I didn't have anything to go on as far as how "predictable" her stories played out. All in all, I was thankful to have allowed myself the time to get lost in this book and "get away" for a little bit.

www.tyndalefiction.com

Tyndale House Publishers has provided me with a complimentary copy of this book for reviewing purposes.

true woman 2010

2010-09-23T15:34:00.002-04:00

In about fifteen minutes I'll be all packed up and ready to head out to the True Woman '10 conference here in Indianapolis. Basically the reason for this quick post is to ask for prayer. It is still hard for me to comfortably sit in church on Sunday mornings and hear what God has to say to me, let alone be in a conference center with thousands of other women. (At least it will be safe to assume that I won't be the only one in tears.)

Throughout this entire grieving process my tendency has been to stay to myself and avoid others. I've taken mini-steps outside my comfort zone to seek out older ladies to meet with and "rejoining" our youth group in an effort to minister to the younger ladies of our church. With that said, I have decided to take a leap out of my comfort zone and stay downtown with many of the ladies from our church who will also be attending the conference. I'm nervous.

Pray for an open heart/mind and a willing spirit to really hear what God has to say and that I would have the courage to apply the necessary changes to my life in order to become a more godly woman in His image.

Pray for new, godly friendships and renewed energy in those relationships that were neglected on my part during our little isolation period known as Malachi's life (we were paranoid we would carry some sort of virus or bacteria into Chi's hospital room and we did NOT want to take that chance).

Also, please pray for the teens from our church who will be attending. It's such a crucial time period and there is amazing opportunity for a solid foundation to be lain and built upon over time.

Alright, gotta go. Pray, pray, pray.

Doctors and more doctors...

2010-09-21T23:47:00.003-04:00

Well, in the past week we've had three trips to the doctor's office or emergency room. Unfortunately, only one of them was scheduled.

I had my 30-week OB visit. Stats are as follows:

BP: 122/70
weight: 180 (total gain of 25/up 2 from 28-week visit)
abdomen: 30 cm (right on target)
baby HR: 130 and strong
baby activity: TONS of consistent movement. (still planting himself on the right side with lots of hiccups as of late)

A little scarier visit was last Thursday. My father-in-law had another heart attack. He was feeling kind of funny, hoping it was just indigestion. Thankfully, they decided to head to the hospital when they did. Upon arrival, they proceeded to go ahead with a heart cath to get a more accurate picture of what was going on. They discovered a 90% blockage in a different area than was affected during a prior heart attack, but were able to place a stent to resolve the issue. A couple days of recovery and observation at the hospital, but he's now home. We're thankful for that. Please pray for him and continued strength as he has many meetings lined up during his October schedule.

And lastly, this little girl fell out of bed Sunday night/early morning and split open her chin on the hardwood floors.

I called the pediatrician in the morning to explain when it happened and that it was still open and slightly bleeding hours later and asked if they wanted to look at it to see if it needed stitches. Unbeknownst to me, they don't do stitches at the office and said I needed to take her to the hospital. Really? Shouldn't a doc who specializes in young children be able to handle a couple of facial stitches.

Anyway, so we (yes, John came with because I was getting queasy even just thinking about holding her still while they were stitching it up) went and they ended up just trying to glue it shut. This was all well and good until just before bedtime, she decided to pick the glue off. Now we are left with good old band-aids and triple antibiotic ointment and just praying it doesn't get infected. She'll be left with a scar to match mommy's chin.

This is where we are... for now.

update in pics

2010-09-21T23:01:00.006-04:00

I wish I could say that my absence from blog world is due to busy-ness, but I think I've just been distracted. There are so many things I wish I would have taken the time to write about and process (for my benefit), but alas I didn't and most of the "profound" thoughts that I had kicked around in my head are mostly lost.

My brother came out for a visit which made this little girl very happy...

She also loved showing Uncle Bud the animals at the zoo. He even jumped with her on the bumpy bridge (even though in doing so he spilled some of his soda on his nice light-colored shorts)...

He also helped pick out some flowers and placed them on the grave marker designated for our second daughter, Jordan, who was born at three months gestation two years ago now...

On the 29th, we celebrated John's 28th birthday...

Emma helped with the sprinkles...

Lastly, this picture really doesn't do justice to just how big my belly really is. John snapped this photo, and I find it vaguely flattering in my current state. Less than 10 weeks to go!

Two Years

2010-09-11T18:06:00.003-04:00

Emma was only 9 months old when we said goodbye to Baby Jordan. We are reminded to be thankful for the time (albeit, very short time) we had with Malachi and that she was able to interact and play, laugh and smile with Malachi. Without enduring the battle of miscarriage at three months and saying goodbye to our second child before we were able to hold her, we most certainly would not have been prepared for what were about to experience. God used Jordan to lay a foundation for Malachi.

The following are two posts I wrote directly following the loss of our second child:
All things are possible with God--including surviving a miscarriage.
Lessons learned and blessings received.

God is still good. God is still faithful. God is still true.

28 week OB Visit

2010-09-08T12:09:00.002-04:00

Just the stats:

BP: 117/70
weight: 178 (total gain of 23/up 8 from 24-week visit)
abdomen: 29 cm (right on target, a little big)
baby HR: 130-150 and strong
baby activity: TONS of consistent movement. (He likes to plant himself on my right side, just like Malachi and Emerson)

I also had my 1-hour glucose test which I passed, but in the other labs they drew I found out that I'm anemic with this pregnancy and have started on iron supplements. Makes sense why I've felt weaker than usual and even menial tasks have been giving me fatigue. I just assumed it was "pregnant for the fourth time" syndrome. Guess I really could have been complaining with a valid reason ;)

2010-09-03T22:18:00.005-04:00

Hey everyone. Just wanted to shine a quick spotlight on a friend of a friend of a friend jewelry designer at Bel Kai Designs. Whitney specializes in custom-made jewelry and is allowing my sis-in-law and I to offer an online trunk show providing all of us with great savings on memorable creations for you or yours.

She does it all... charms, rings, earrings, necklaces. Here's a QUICK peek into her collection. To see what she has in her shop visit http://www.belkaidesigns.com/.

To make it official:

Idols of the Heart

2010-09-02T22:53:00.002-04:00

Tuesday marked the beginning of my first bible study with the ladies of Calvary Baptist. We will be working through Idols of the Heart by Elyse Fitzpatrick. The main focus was on that of Rachel and how in Genesis 30 she says to her husband Jacob, "Give me children or I will die!". Clearly, she was jealous of her sister's ability to have children and the fact that she simply could not.

Obviously, there is much more to the story and the whole family is full of deceit and jealousy and strife between one another. Above all, for her to have her place and a position in her new nuclear unit, children were a must. She decided to take things into her own hands. I could definitely relate. I find myself much like Rachel (and my two-year-old daughter) in that I want to do it myself and do it my way.

We were given a study guide type list of questions to work through before meeting as a group to discuss. One of the questions was, "What in the chapter was the most convicting of sin in your life?" At the time, nothing stood out. Clearly, I'm a sinner and full of issues and areas where I need to become more Christ-like. On the side of my sheet, I wrote a list: apathy, laziness, prayerlessness, self-sufficiency. I prayed, asking the Holy Spirit to show me the heart issue; to help me fill in the blank of "Give me ______, or I will die."

I didn't really think too much more about it before our study that evening. We worked through the story of Rachel in Genesis and my eyes were starting to open. As my eyes were opening, my mouth decided to follow suit. The Holy Spirit felt it appropriate to show me what was going on as I was mid-sentence. Sweet. Nothing like a blubbering, sobbing female who can now only speak with a super high-pitched voice to get the discussion going. But it definitely became clear to me.

In many arenas of my life I am learning about the battle. In books I'm reading. In Sunday church services. In youth group. In my daily struggles with Malachi's death. It's a battle. Satan knows where I'm vulnerable and my primary weapon is God's Word. The more I expose myself to Scripture, the more prepared I am to face that battle. However, at the same time, Scripture is convicting. It forces you to change. You can accept it or you can reject it, but you are required to make that decision.

I've been putting up walls around myself. Trying to do things my way. Avoiding prayer and study of God's Word because I don't want to change. I'm afraid that it will be hard. Frankly, it will be. The last year has been evident of that. However, I think that the difficult process of change is worth far more than trying to handle these battles on my own.

My heart issue is "Give me easy or I will die. " It's kind of funny if you think about it. I'm almost 7 months pregnant, we're about to close on a house that will require A TON of work, and baby will be here before you know it. Not to mention taking care of that lovely two-year-old I mentioned earlier ;). "Easy" just isn't a part of this season of life. We've just had a few extra trials thrown our way...

three months

2010-08-25T23:05:00.003-04:00

Today officially marks three months since Malachi died.

I specifically waited until the end of the day to make mention of this because part of me really dislikes that look of pity people get when they realize we've reached another milestone like this.

God has definitely given us the grace to fight this battle. It takes work to really focus on the truth of the situation and to be thankful that Chi is whole and healthy and complete in heaven with our Savior. The days that are the hardest continue to be those with milestones (like today) and those where I sulk in self-pity and feel sorry for myself dwelling on the fact that I have four children--only two of which currently have beating hearts.

Feel free to pray for me as I continue to trek on with this pregnancy. Pray alongside me for an increased attachment and love for this baby. I'm just not exactly where I thought I would be in that area with this child. I wholeheartedly believe that is a prayer God will answer.

On a lighter note, can you believe I've still got THREE MONTHS of growing ahead of me!??!

update

2010-08-18T22:02:00.002-04:00

So blogging has gotten away from me. I think I needed a break. Clearly, it was the easiest way to keep people up to date with all things Malachi. It was a way for me to forceful process all that was going on and show off the cutest special needs kid you'd ever "meet" (blog pics count, right?)... I've been great at keeping up with other people's blogs thanks to Google Reader which I adore, but obviously not so much on the writing end of things. I've got a bazillion things swirling around in this head, but not enough clarity of thought at the end of the day to write an organized post. Well, I'm gonna write anyway, forgive the rambling. (and don't hold it against me if I fail to throw in a pic or two)

Here's what we've been up to... finding a house.

That's about it. Okay, so that encompasses enough to keep a pregnant lady home with a toddler completely exhausted most of the time. We scoured the internet listings looking for homes in our price range. Actually met with our realtor and viewed around 20 homes. Bid on a HUD house. Lost to a higher bidder. Narrowed our search down to a move-in ready place with a yard and another HUD fixer-upper. Bid on the HUD house and offer was accepted! We've met with the mortgage broker and locked in a 4.5% rate (AMAZING!). Now we're in the process of setting up an inspection and getting HUD approval to have utilities turned on and all that jazz. We will obviously feel much better about the house when/if the inspection turns up nothing crazy big. We have to be out of the apartment by the end of the month (we put in a 60-day notice a few weeks after Chi died b/c it's still weird just being here). We're packing. We will be moving in with John's parents while we wait for closing on the house and then also while John fixes up the house and gets it ready for us to move in. We will have to replace all the flooring and the previous owners were crazy paint happy so that will need to be changed as well. Unfortunately, John still has a full-time job he must attend to during this whole process. And, I won't be of much assistance due to the pregnancy and toddler who needs to be taken care of. So I'm gathering ideas for the design and decor of the new place.

Now if only I'd take it easy during the day and listen to my husband and let him do most of the packing.

24 week OB visit

2010-08-12T09:44:00.002-04:00

Just the stats:

BP: 117/70
weight: 170 (total gain of 15/up 6 from 20-week visit)
abdomen: 24 cm (right on target)
baby HR: 150 and strong
baby activity: TONS of consistent movement.

Had some minimal bleeding last week which has prompted me to take things a little easier. The doc said minimal lifting if at all possible and nothing over 30 lbs, period. Good thing Emerson is right around 29 these days :)

will add pic later.

pride in suffering

2010-08-08T21:35:00.002-04:00

I admit, lately I've been all "me, me, me..." I brought myself to a place of self-pity--a horrible rut that I definitely do not recommend.

One of the songs we heard at church tonight had the following lyrics:
"I made Myself known from the beginning of time. What more do you need to see?"

God is enough. He is sufficient in all and for all things. He answered my prayers and healed my baby. What more do I want?

Yes, I miss Malachi, but my source of joy can only come from God--not my children. My peace will come from within--not of anything that I can produce of myself, but rather that which I can receive freely through the working of the Holy Spirit who lives inside me.

I want to worship God. I was created for that very purpose. i have allowed my circumstances and my emotions to hinder my ability to worship. I have tried to correct this of my own volition--my way. But even if I could accomplish that task on my own, it would make me self-sufficient. It is not possible to worship God on my own. I need Him. I must pray for the ability to humble myself before His throne and find joy solely in Him. I need His help to worship Him. Even old saints prayed to this same end in Psalm 90... ¹³ Relent, O LORD! How long will it be?
Have compassion on your servants.

¹⁴ Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love,
that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days.

¹⁵ Make us glad for as many days as you have afflicted us,
for as many years as we have seen trouble.

I will choose not to waste this suffering, this time of affliction. This is the road God knows is best for Marissa Sharbaugh. Pray that my hardship would be a testimony of His glory. Pray that God would continue to put the pieces back together and make me whole. God is good. God is faithful. God is true.

Just the Dark Before the Morning

2010-08-06T20:45:00.002-04:00

Do you wonder why you have to feel the things that hurt you. If there's a God who loves you, where is He now? Maybe, there are things you can't see and all those things are happening to bring a better ending. Some day, some how, you'll see.

Would you dare to believe that you still have a reason to sing. Because the pain you've been feeling can't compare to the joy that's coming. So hold on, you got to wait for the light. Press on and just fight the good fight. Because the pain you've been feeling, it's just the dark before the morning.

I was looking up the lyrics for this song (Josh Wilson--Before the Morning) because I wanted to include them on this blog. In doing so, I came across a short video that was done in regard to the meaning behind the story. It reminded me of a few of the miracles we were able to witness in Chi's short life. Head over to to his site and check it out if you have a few minutes.

not sure what to say

2010-08-04T15:15:00.002-04:00

Writing has come as a struggle to me as of late. I mostly feel like I don't really have anything encouraging or exciting to say, so I remain silent. I'm learning though that silence doesn't really make things easier. I am so thankful for a few close friends and family who I have been able to talk to at my low points without fear of judgment and remind me of God's truth.

I know that there is a greater purpose that I may never grasp to everything surrounding Malachi and his impact on our lives. I know that one day it will be easier and the tears won't come quite so frequently. The memories won't be quite so fresh. I don't want to be depressing. I don't want to be completely self-centered. I really don't want it to seem as if I have lost hope. I want to be real. I want to share this with you. I don't want to feel like I'm shouldering this burden alone. It's not easy and I certainly don't have it all together. But I know God has a plan and God has a purpose. He wants to bring glory to Himself and for some reason He has allowed for me to be a part of that.

On my good days, I anxiously anticipate being the kind of woman God is using all of this to transform me into. On the bad days, I wish I was already there...

Giving Up Your Rights

2010-07-28T15:51:00.002-04:00

This article in The Elisabeth Elliot Newsletter puts forth many rights that most of us as individuals feel we deserve. Those of us who are true Christians are called to Christlikeness which includes the responsibility to lay aside the following "rights":

• the right to take revenge (Romans 12:19-20)
• the right to have a comfortable, secure home (Luke 9:57-58)
• the right to a good reputation (Matthew 5:11)
• the right to spend money however we please (Matthew 6:19-21)
• the right to hate an enemy (Matthew 5:43-47)
• the right to be honored and served (Mark 10:42-47)
• the right to understand God’s plan before we obey (Hebrews 11:8)
• the right to live by our own rules (John 14:23-24)
• the right to hold a grudge (Colossians 3:13)
• the right to “fit into” society (Romans 12:2; Galatians 1:10)
• the right to do whatever feels good (Galatians 5:16-17; 1 Peter 4:2)
• the right to complain (Philippians 2:14; 1 Thessalonians 5:18)
• the right to put self first (Philippians 2:3-4)
• the right to express one’s sexuality freely (1 Corinthians 6:18-20)
• the right to rebel against authority (1 Peter 2:13-15)
• the right to sue another believer (1 Corinthians 6:1-8)
• the right to end a disappointing marriage (Matthew 5:31-32)

Wish me luck. I have a LONG way to go.

busy, busy, busy!

2010-07-27T00:53:00.002-04:00

Does anybody else feel like the month of July has just flown by and gone almost unnoticed!?! Between family, family, and more family, starting to pack up, house searching, getting back into the groove with church, and just trying to catch up with neglected friends--there is minimal time for blogging!

I have begun reading through the Bible chronologically. In 2009, I followed along with others in our church with the read-through-your-Bible-in-a-year program. Ashamedly, this is the first time I read through the Bible in a systematic manner (not counting when it was assigned as class work for Faith). What a blessing! At this point, I have read through the books of Genesis and Job. The following is a snippet from an entry in my notebook after reading a passage beginning with Job 23:8 which I titled "A prayer, a goal a mission..."

Even though I can't "feel" God around me, He is there and knows my thoughts, words, and actions. If I successfully lean on Him and keep His commands through this test, I will be refined and come out as gold. But I must keep His way and not turn aside. I must treasure the words of His mouth more than food. God knows His plans for me and He will complete that work within me.

I am so thankful for the education I received at Faith Baptist Bible College and the foundation in Biblical studies and understanding that was provided to me. Going through something like the birth, life, and loss of Malachi would simply be unbearable without the knowledge of the perfect God I am blessed to serve. Even though there were many points where I lacked (and still do lack) understanding of why all of this had to take place in my life and how it will lead to His glory, I was able to hold on to that knowledge. I was generally able to fight off misguided thoughts and push aside untruths that haunted practically every moment spent next to Malachi's hospital bed. Even though I felt lost, confused, helpless, and scared, I was not without hope. The Holy Spirit was quick to remind me that we were not in this struggle alone. It is not an easy road that John and I have been called to, but it is a calling. We know that this suffering--if properly kept in its place and used to pursue a closer relationship with the God who created and sustained our son for almost seven months--will continue to refine us. With each test and trial, we have the opportunity to experience God's grace in ways that many people just can't understand. For that grace, I am thankful.

He Giveth More Grace
He giveth more grace as our burdens grow greater,
He sendeth more strength as our labors increase;
To added afflictions He addeth His mercy,
To multiplied trials He multiplies peace.

When we have exhausted our store of endurance,
When our strength has failed ere the day is half done,
When we reach the end of our hoarded resources
Our Father’s full giving is only begun.

Fear not that thy need shall exceed His provision,
Our God ever yearns His resources to share;
Lean hard on the arm everlasting, availing;
The Father both thee and thy load will upbear.

His love has no limits, His grace has no measure,
His power no boundary known unto men;
For out of His infinite riches in Jesus
He giveth, and giveth, and giveth again.

How do you feel about this next baby being a boy?

2010-07-14T21:32:00.002-04:00

Before the ultrasound, I was completely against the idea of having a boy--you know, because I can control these things. When John and I would start throwing around name ideas, I didn't even want to think about boys names. It just wasn't going to be a boy.

HOWEVER.... the moment we saw that it was so clearly evident that baby #4 is a boy, it just felt right. I thank God for that peace. I think my husband was worried. He, on the other hand, was completely thrilled that he was now 4 for 4 on gender predictions. I know, he's awesome.

I really wish, actually, that I could blame my current mood/funk/rut on that. But I can't. Suffering definitely hurts, but I most certainly am not suffering in a God-honoring way. Right now, I don't pray, I don't praise, I shut down, I get impatient, I am easily frustrated, I raise my voice, I am easily irritated.... the list goes on.

Suffering is a part of life. Up until this point, however, I just haven't had to REALLY stare it down. It's hard. In my head, I know that the ONLY way for me to overcome this with any sense of grace or joy I must lean completely, utterly, whole-heartedly on my Father in heaven. Now if only I could snap my fingers and just make it work that way. Instead, I fight it. I want to just waste my days and "avoid God."

I am thankful that Christ has paid for my sins and removed my guilt so that I am His. Because I am His, He has promised to NEVER leave me or forsake me. Even if I can't "feel" His presence, the Holy Spirit is within me and continues to tug and pull and give me the desire to know God and rest in Him even when nothing seems to make sense. I am thankful for each new day and the chance to start anew--a chance none of us really deserve.

drum roll please....

2010-07-12T23:45:00.003-04:00

Well, there ya have it, folks. There's no denying. Our growing baby is definitely, most assuredly... a BOY!

20-week visit

2010-07-12T18:09:00.003-04:00

Had a great visit at the doctor's office today...

Quick numbers:
BP: 110/70
weight: 164 (total gain of 9/up 4 from l16-week visit)
baby HR: 147 and strong
baby activity: starting to feel more consistent movement.

ultrasound pics to come... can you handle the suspense?

Boy or girl?

2010-07-10T23:34:00.000-04:00

(untitled)

2010-07-07T22:17:00.002-04:00

Not really sure where I left off, so I will just summarize the last couple weeks and pick up with today.

We have definitely spent a lot of time with family in the recent days. For that I am thankful. I have family leaving for Mexico in a matter of weeks (http://livinginthelandofodd.blogspot.com), so we have made a conscious effort to spend some quality time with them as a family--and just as a couple. We also had family in from Michigan whom we enjoyed visiting. Then we made a quick July 4th getaway to Iowa to visit my immediate family members as well as our Iowa church family. And now, we have family up from Florida and more family coming in this week from Utah. Not to mention the Sharbaugh/Parsons family reunion we have coming up this weekend. I told you, much time has been and will continue to be spent with family in the upcoming days.

In the midst of all this family time, we have also begun to search for a house. We are thankful to have been able to get out of our lease without penalty and start this process. We have no clue what God has for store in us for the next few weeks--let alone the next few years--so for now, we will just stick to the west side of Indianapolis and try to find a sense of normalcy in our lives.

Today, however, had a few interesting moments to say the least. My sister-in-law and I were checking out at Kohls. Because I clearly look pregnant, the lady at the register asked me when I was due. "Oh, not 'til Thanksgiving actually. Almost 20 weeks!" To which she replied, "And is this your first?" A million thoughts racing through my mind as I feel warmth pulsating through my cheeks, "My fourth, actually." "Oh, bless your heart. So do you have both genders?" For whatever reason, I followed that comment with an awkward laugh--I just don't know how to respond. People in our culture generally do not want the upcoming information to be laid upon them from a stranger. "Well... I have a two-year-old little girl and we just lost our son." Instant look of pity falls on the face of this unsuspecting cashier.... that inevitable look of pity and sadness. "You poor thing..." and a few other mutterings which I am unable to recall as at that point, I was quickly looking for the exit. Frankly, I just don't know how to respond to people that come with the inevitable questions one is asked when they are pregnant. Whether it be the mail-lady, the cashier, the neighbor I met at the pool, it just doesn't feel like there is a "right" answer.

Lastly, I would really like to try to truly put into words how hard tonight was, but I really don't think that's possible, so you'll pretty much just get the facts. We received the disc (with the professional pictures taken at the hospital before we said goodbye to Malachi) a short week or so after the funeral. Not going to lie, I was scared to open them. It's hard to see pictures of my baby--even happy pictures. I honestly cannot begin to describe the emotions, thoughts, and feelings flooding my very being as I went through them. Thankfully, John was home. He saw that I was lost in thought and the tears streaming down my face. As soon as he came over by my side, the floodgates opened. I mean uncontrollable sobbing. Crying so hard that it hurt. My breathing was completely out of sync. John could do nothing but hold me and try to coach my breathing. It's not the first time I've broken down in tears since Malachi's funeral, but it was definitely the worst--at it was horrible. You just can't explain the hurt that a mother feels when she no longer gets to hold her baby or kiss him goodnight--but instead had no choice but to kiss him goodbye. Before I become a blubbering mess again, I will end this post. I should get to bed anyway. Good night.

Technology Hiatus

2010-06-26T09:09:00.002-04:00

I'm taking a break from blogging, facebook, etc. etc. (I will still check my e-mail otherwise taming the inbox will NOT be an easy task). We've got projects to finish, books to read, Scripture to study, and a house to find *wink*. I'm thinking one week, but maybe two?? (I doubt I can last that long, actually) I will try to keep a running list of some of the funny things that flow from Emma's mouth so I will be able to keep those coming. Anyway, just wanted to give the heads up that things are going fine, just have a lot of things that need to be accomplished. I hope that is the case!

See ya when I see ya.

How to Help a Grieving Friend

2010-06-22T21:40:00.002-04:00

Completely excerpted from a series of posts on MollyPiper.com.
----
Not surprisingly, I’ve had lots of conversations with other families who have grieved a tragedy like ours and reflected on my own experience in the past few months.

For those of you just arriving on the scene, we were expecting our second child, a daughter, to arrive somewhere around September 25, 2007. We went into the hospital on Saturday morning, September 22nd, because I couldn’t shake the feeling that I hadn’t been feeling the baby move as much as I would have expected. We arrived in the triage, were hooked up to monitors and ultrasounds and told that our baby was no longer living. We delivered her that day. We named her Felicity Margaret.

It’s been six months since she left us, and I’ve had good and bad experiences since. I thought I would try to relay some of the helpful things you can do to understand and help your friends who are grieving. Of course this is all from my own experience, and I certainly am not a grief expert in any authoritative way, I just know what I’ve gone through.

So if you think this would be helpful to you now or in the future, I hope you’ll read along, think, comment, pray, and act on behalf of your friends or family members who are grieving. You can be a profound blessing to people you may not feel like you understand.

Other posts in the series:
Just know that she's exhausted.
She's a scatterbrain.
There is no timetable.
She may explode (but probably not).
She can't grieve on command.
Ask her specific questions.
Avoid the flippant comfort of Hallmark answers.
Always on my mind.
Cleaning her house is next to godliness.

True Woman Conference 2010

2010-06-21T15:01:00.003-04:00

Just wanted to quickly recommend a conference for all you ladies (especially for you Willow Creek ladies *WINK*).

Specifically, I wanted to mention the one in Indianapolis on September 23-25.

Get more info by clicking on the logo/banner at the top of this post.

Vacation Recap

2010-06-19T22:28:00.008-04:00

Some quick snapshots from "bacation"--as Emerson put it.

A morning at the outlet mall near our hotel...

Much time spent in the pool...

A day at the zoo...
A haircut (more will be coming off in the near future)...
A day at the creation museum...
There was also a day at the waterpark, which I purposefully left the camera at the hotel. It was also nice to just spend time in our room away as a family and enjoy cable television for a week ;). Oh, and we spent an afternoon at Ikea.

All in all, it was a good trip. It was definitely nice that it was relatively close to home so we weren't spending most of our time actually getting from point A to point B.

This craving is brought to you by...

2010-06-18T09:51:00.001-04:00

Seriously, it's ridiculous.

16 weeks

2010-06-16T21:46:00.002-04:00

weight: 160
BP: 117/70
baby HR: 150 and strong
baby activity: moving all over the place, it would be nice to feel though.

Overall, it was a pretty uneventful visit besides the minibreakdown when the doctor optimistically asked how Malachi was doing. It's much easier to type "my son has died" than to say out loud.

a week

2010-06-16T21:11:00.002-04:00

did you miss me? okay, probably not, but i'll pretend that my absence was noticed.

it's definitely been a week of ups and downs. good days and bad days and then really bad days.

we are surviving. it is a battle, but we are surviving.

i'm finding it hard to think things through or to focus on a project to see it through its completion. cloudiness and forgetfulness definitely set in at times.

it's hard to be in placed with big groups. especially church. small groups are easier, but still awkward.

there is something missing at home. i don't like living here. we moved to this apartment two weeks before chi was born and our dining room was set up as his home ICU unit. i want to be out of here and in a house--we're trying not to make any rash decisions.

so much to do around the house. i'd ask for help, people have offered; but i like the little feeling of accomplishment in my domestic duties. something i have control over. wanting to fall into a sense of normalcy.

john and i aren't really sure how to "handle" this grief. it's not like a constant cloud hanging over us, but rather just tides of emotion that knock us off our feet every now and then. just kind of going day by day right now.

but that's where we are, for now...

Emma

2010-06-09T09:43:00.002-04:00

Emerson is amazing (usually). When in the right mood, she will try to do ANYTHING to make her mama happy--especially when she knows I'm sad. She has been sick since we got home from "vacation". Because of said sickness, I stayed home with her from church on Sunday. I don't know if it was just being in this apartment or the fact that John was away or just seeing all of the Malachi reminders around me (probably a combination of all the above) that I was to say the least tearful. John called after the church service to see how things were going and that just opened up the floodgates. Emma was concerned.

"Mama, why are you sad?"
Mommy just wants baby Chi to be home, sweetie.
"It's okay, mama."
You're right, sweetie. Mommy just misses Malachi.
"Okay, me and daddy will go get him and bring him home for you."

Is she not the sweetest little girl you've ever met? So thankful that she was a part of our lives as we continue to endure this trial.

The rest of the week has gone okay. I'm learning that I'm not very comfortable to be in places with lots of people (which should make church interesting next week). I'm learning that I never know when it's appropriate or just flat out annoying to others to bring up Malachi in conversation. I'm learning that it's hard for me to cry in front of others because I'm worried about making them uncomfortable. I think the hardest thing I'm learning is that frankly I have no clue how to handle a trial of this magnitude by myself. For that, I am thankful for my savior as well as for my husband. Without them, I would be lost.

home is harder

2010-06-05T20:34:00.002-04:00

Well, we made it back from vacation in one piece--always a good thing. A week away was wonderful, but now reality sets in. We didn't want to come home. Its just weird that life goes on for everyone else and we're left with a huge gaping hole. No more daily trips to the hospital. No more nursing shifts for John and I at home. No more Malachi--for now, anyway.

Monday will be hard. John will have to go back to work. I will be home with Emma. I'm thinking it will take a while to find the middle ground between wanting to do absolutely nothing and wanting to keep myself completely occupied so as to stay distracted from life. I know that's not where I should be, but that's where I want to be. I don't want to move on. I don't want to think about life without my son.

For now, we hold on to the strength and peace and comfort that God is so abundantly providing--praying, it continues.

(listen here)
Savior, please take my hand
I work so hard, I live so fast
This life begins, and then it ends
And I do the best that I can, but I don't know how long I'll last

I try to be so tough
But I'm just not strong enough
I can't do this alone, God I need You to hold on to me
I try to be good enough
But I'm nothing without Your love
Savior, please keep saving me

Savior, please help me stand
I fall so hard, I fade so fast
Will You begin right where I end
And be the God of all I am because You're all I have

Hallelujah
Everything You are to me
Is everything I'll ever need
And I am learning to believe
That I don't have to prove a thing
'Cause You're the one who's saving me

Savior, Please by Josh Wilson

Giveaway Winner

2010-06-05T20:09:00.002-04:00

Congrats to our NICU neighbor Kim for winning a free copy of The Last Christian!

Blog Tour and (Giveaway)

2010-05-31T22:36:00.003-04:00

ABOUT THE BOOK:

The Last Christian
David Gregory

In the future, it’s possible to live forever—but at what cost?

A.D. 2088.

Missionary daughter Abigail Caldwell emerges from the jungle for the first time in her thirty-four years, the sole survivor of a mysterious disease that killed her village. Abby goes to America, only to discover a nation where Christianity has completely died out. A curious message from her grandfather assigns her a surprising mission: re-introduce the Christian faith in America, no matter how insurmountable the odds.

But a larger threat looms. The world's leading artificial intelligence industrialist has perfected a technique for downloading the human brain into a silicon form. Brain transplants have begun, and with them comes the potential of eliminating physical death altogether—but at what expense?

As Abby navigates a society grown more addicted to stimulating the body than nurturing the soul, she and Creighton Daniels, a historian troubled by his father's unexpected death, become unwitting targets of powerful men who will stop at nothing to further their nefarious goals. Hanging in the balance—the spiritual future of all humanity.

In this fast-paced thriller, startling near-future science collides with thought-provoking religious themes to create a spell-binding "what-if?" novel.

Read the prologue HERE.
View a quick video HERE.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
David Gregory is the best-selling author of Dinner with a Perfect Stranger, A Day with a Perfect Stranger, The Next Level, and the coauthor of the nonfiction The Rest of the Gospel. After a ten-year business career, he returned to school to study religion and communications, earning master's degrees from Dallas Theological Seminary and the University of North Texas. A native of Texas, he now lives in the Pacific Northwest.

MY THOUGHTS:
I thoroughly enjoyed this read. Not only were the characters true, the plot lines legit, and the story well told, I was challenged in my Christian faith. My eyes were opened to a part of the gospel that so easily and so unfortunately gets overlooked. It just makes sense. I was kind of worried when I knew that this would technically be considered a science fiction/futuristic-type of novel. I am SO GLAD that I gave it a chance. It's crazy the logical steps that our society could very well take to completely remove their need for God and how faulty evolutionary thinking is on worldviews and belief systems. It is important to remember that God made man in His image--we are not just a random cluster of atoms and particles that have no meaning, no value. Definitely a must read.

GIVEAWAY:
Leave a comment on this post (and an e-mail address to be contacted) to be entered into a drawing for your own copy of The Last Christian. A random name will be selected June 4 around 10:00 PM EST. Thanks for playing!

This book was provided for review by the WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group.

Trying to Rest

2010-05-31T22:07:00.002-04:00

First off, I want to thank all of you who are praying. Please keep your prayers coming. From day one, God has answered and has been and will continue to sustain us with peace and comfort by answering those prayers in a very real way.

We decided to get away for a bit. The initial plan was to spend the week in D.C. spending our days meandering through monument after monument, historical site after historical site, museum after museum. Unfortunately, the 11-hour drive (which easily turns into 13 hours with a toddler and a pregnant lady) didn't seem very restful and the prices for flights out there weren't exactly budget-friendly. So we started looking more locally.

A 2-hour drive was much more appealing. So far we've spent our time relaxing at the hotel, swimming with Emma, shopping at a nearby outlet mall, and having a super delicious meal at PF Changs (my first time). Not bad for arriving yesterday around 4. We've still got plans for IKEA, the creation museum, and a waterpark--but mostly just "relaxing" and seeing what the days bring.

Again, thank you for your prayers. Thankful for time away with my family.

Pray for sleep

2010-05-24T23:22:00.001-04:00

Please pray that John and I would be able to sleep tonight. Sleep and
actual rest for the strength needed tomorrow. Also strength for our
frequent moments of weakness when it just seems like too much.

gathering my thoughts

2010-05-24T14:16:00.003-04:00

Clearly, this has been a hard week in the Sharbaugh household. It's extremely difficult for me to make sense of my thoughts, let alone try to convey them in writing.

Not much to really say at this point.

Please pray--sanity and peace would be much appreciated at this moment.

Review Time: Life, In Spite of Me

2010-05-22T22:46:00.002-04:00

ABOUT THE BOOK:
She wanted to die. God had other plans.

Why does my life have to be so painful?
What’s wrong with me?
It’s not going to get better.
It could all be over soon, and then I won’t hurt anymore.

Kristen Anderson thought she had the picture-perfect life until strokes of gray dimmed her outlook: three friends and her grandmother died within two years. Still reeling from these losses, she was raped by a friend she thought she could trust. She soon spiraled into a seemingly bottomless depression.

One January night, the seventeen-year-old decided she no longer wanted to deal with the emotional pain that smothered her. She lay down on a set of cold railroad tracks and waited for a freight train to send her to heaven…and peace.

But Kristen's story doesn’t end there.

In Life, In Spite of Me this remarkably joyful young woman shares the miracle of her survival, the agonizing aftermath of her failed suicide attempt, and the hope that has completely transformed her life, giving her a powerful purpose for living.

Her gripping story of finding joy against all odds provides a vivid and unforgettable reminder that life is a gift to be treasured.

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Kristen Jane Anderson has been featured on Oprah and is a popular speaker at colleges, women’s and youth events, churches, and suicide prevention outreaches. A graduate of Moody Bible Institute and the founder of Reaching You Ministries, Kristen seeks to help those who are hurting, hopeless, lost, suicidal and depressed.

MY THOUGHTS:
I am impressed at how real and how honest Kristen was in this account of her death to self and true life in Christ. I was encouraged and convicted to be real and transparent even in my blog posts and how I present myself to those around me. That is probably why I haven't been quick to blog about much lately. In the beginning Kristen mentions that her story probably isn't that much different from the reader and at first I really brushed that notion aside. I may not have laid down on railroad tracks ready to end my life or tried to fill a void with drinking, drugs, or partying; but there was clearly a time in my life before Christ where I attempted to fill a void in my life with activity--school, sports, extracurriculars, etc. Frankly, everyone is trying to fill that void with something. What are you trying to fill yours with? It's a void that can only be filled by Christ.

Read chapter one HERE.

This book was provided for review by the WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group.

12 weeks

2010-05-17T22:25:00.002-04:00

Had my 12-week appointment today. Super quick! I was in and out of there in no time. So far, so good. By God's grace I haven't felt nearly as sick as I had with my other THREE pregnancies (crazy to think that this is already baby 4) and have been able to provide for Malachi without the constant state of queasiness that usually accompanies me during this time.

Quick stats:
Weight: 158 (with full sweats and shoes on *wink*)
Blood pressure: 112/68 (amazing considering Malachi stuff)

However, the doctor was unable to find a heartbeat. With her little gadget, she was only picking up my heartbeat. SO, off to ultrasound we went (especially since my miscarriage happened just after 12 weeks). Sure enough, baby was there looking super active and sticking its tongue out at me and Emma. What a relief! A healthy heartbeat of 158 and an anterior placenta which is why we couldn't find baby in the first place.

and the winner is....

2010-05-17T22:04:00.002-04:00

Rachel Brindley!!

Thanks to all those who entered ;)
Better luck next time!
(coming up in a few weeks)

last chance: book giveaway

2010-05-16T22:37:00.002-04:00

Last chance to get in on the drawing for the free book giveaway "Indivisible". Simply click below on the "# comments" link and leave your email address! The winner will be chosen at random and contacted via email for a mailing address.

helpless but not hopeless

2010-05-13T21:48:00.002-04:00

I have sat many times trying to find the words to express how I am right now. My thoughts have been so incoherent that I have yet to be successful. I don't think that I can do much better at this time as far as organizing my thoughts, but I need to get this out of my head. The last couple months (okay, well the last six months) have been the biggest rollercoaster of my life. If I did not have the Holy Spirit living and active within me, I can most assuredly say that I would have been in a deep depression--especially during Chi's three-week hospitalization the last half of April.

I am so thankful for the servanthood of my husband who day in and day out picked up my slack with regard to all my duties as wife and mother. In a matter of speaking, I was apathetic. I was unmotivated. I was at a standstill. Not only was I at a standstill, but life trudged on around me. My world was spinning. I had lost my footing. John most certainly did his best to hold my pieces together. To say the least, he is amazing.

I am also very thankful for the extra acts of encouragement that I personally received during that time. Cards, letters, a listening ear, a gift basket, prayers, and meals to name a few. The littlest acts of kindness and support and encouragement mean more to our family during this time than you could imagine.

Most of the time we feel helpless. I want to be there for Malachi. I want to know what questions need to be asked. I want to be able to take care of my baby. I hate that we can't do it on our own. I know that John just wants to protect his baby and his family. And right now, we just can't. We can't do those things. We can't and we hate it.

We are also quickly reminded that the times Malachi does make it home, he will also very quickly be back in the hospital. With each hospitalization comes the risk of infection. Infection that his body simply can't fight. Each hospitalization, infection, illness has the potential to bring about the conversation regarding how aggressively do we want to pursue treatment--conversation that we loathe.

Not only that, but at times I feel like God is preparing me for Malachi's death. I am reminded over and over again how short his life most likely will be. I have dreams where I am sitting at his funeral. I hear songs regarding missing loved ones who have passed. At times I feel like I am ready to face this, knowing he will be in heaven. Knowing that he will be whole. Knowing that he will not be feeling any more pain. But I am not ready to say goodbye. We are walking a fine line between hoping for a miracle, hoping for heaven, and facing the very real reality of Malachi's situation.

(on a bright note, Malachi had a better day than yesterday--we'll take it)

What I've Been Reading... Indivisible

2010-05-11T22:14:00.006-04:00

ABOUT THE BOOK:
An inseparable bond.
An insatiable force.

Battling his own personal demons, Police Chief Jonah Westfall knows the dark side of life and has committed himself to eradicating it. When a pair of raccoons are found mutilated in Redford, Colorado, Jonah investigates the gruesome act, knowing the strange event could escalate and destroy the tranquility of his small mountain town. With a rising drug threat and never-ending conflict with Tia Manning, a formidable childhood friend with whom he has more than a passing history, Jonah fights for answers—and his fragile sobriety.

But he can’t penetrate every wound or secret—especially one fueled by a love and guilt teetering on madness.

From best-selling author Kristen Heitzmann comes a spellbinding tale of severed connections and the consequences of life lived alone.

Download Chapter One HERE.
This book was provided for review by the WaterBrook Multnomah Publishing Group

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:
Follow Kristen Heitzmann online at www.KristenHeitzmann.net.

While homeschooling her four kids, Kristen wrote her first novel, and it grew into a five-book historical series. Since then, she has written more historical novels and several contemporary romantic and psychological suspense novels. She lives in Colorado with her husband, Jim, and sundry family members and pets.

MY THOUGHTS:
Fiction is not my forte. But I would definitely recommend this book to those who enjoy a fairly quick read. In my overanalytical mind, I kept trying to theorize what was really going on? who was really behind the happenings of these seemingly animal mutilations? how are things going to play out? I was not disappointed. There were a couple relationships that seemed to develop quickly that could have used a little more build up/background to go along with the story, but realistic nonetheless. The author also did a good job at defining the characters: who they were, where they came from, what haunts them, etc. In my "spare time" I would like read a few of her other books as well.

GIVEAWAY:
WaterbrookMultnomah has graciously given me an extra copy of this book to pass along to one of you. To enter, please leave a comment and an e-mail address where you can be reached. A winner will randomly be selected and I can send a copy of Indivisible your way!

11 weeks...

2010-05-07T22:54:00.002-04:00

You should have seen it right after dinner!

Some lovin' with my babe!
Trying something new. I took a little bit off the back and just tried to tame the bedhead. Not bad, eh?

tonight's date is brought to you by...

2010-05-04T22:44:00.004-04:00

dinner at...

and window shopping at...

and "drinks" at...

while perusing the shelves of...
It was great to have a guilt-free night out with my amazing husband--just the two of us. We spent exactly the amount of cash we had received just for this purpose. It was a wonderful night out. Our last night of "freedom" until Chi's next hospitalization. But we'll cross that bridge when we get there.

Cleaning help

2010-05-03T16:21:00.000-04:00

We are praying Malachi gets to come home this week. If I get all of
our stuff picked up and out of the way, would there be any interest in
helping me out by really deep cleaning our apartment while I'm out at
the hospital tomorrow (Tuesday). It would mainly be our kitchen and
two baths. Let me know! It would be GREATLY appreciated.

torn--rambling

2010-05-01T20:56:00.004-04:00

How do I keep things "normal" for Emerson when my heart is torn to pieces? Why must we carry on with life as usual? John still has to work. The chores still need to be done. Emma still needs consistency in her toddler life. She needs stability. I want life to just be put on hold for a while. Besides going back and reading past posts, I hardly remember the last 6 months of my life. I'm just torn. I'm finding it hard today to call the hospital and see how Malachi is doing. I'm finding it hard to enjoy my time with Emerson doing "normal" kid things without feelings of guilt creeping in. I feel like I don't even know what the word "relax" means anymore. I hate not knowing what the next few months will bring, but I'm pretty sure knowing wouldn't provide me much comfort either.

The only thing that might help Malachi is a transplant at Duke. This surgery has only been done on 61 patients with the current staff in the past few decades. In reading another mom's blog of her son with both CHARGE and DiGeorge, they signed consent for the procedure in February (2007), were transferred to Duke in April the same year. They waited for months for a compatible thymus. Then there was a couple month recovery at Duke before being transferred back to their original children's hospital that November. Besides the timing of all this with the new baby's arrival in November, the procedure and hospital stay alone (at least for this other family) was over $1 million. We have three forms of insurance for Malachi, one is private insurance and the other two are programs through the state. It is probably safe to assume that the Indiana programs won't cover medical costs accrued in North Carolina. Our private insurance has a $5 million lifetime maximum for Malachi. As of 12/31/09, Malachi's total medical expenses paid out by private insurance was already $1.2 million. We make well under $20/hour; we can't even wrap our heads around MILLIONS of dollars. And on top of all that, John can't just take months off of work. Can I handle three kids in North Carolina?

See... this is why I can't let my mind wander. Just wanted you all to get a glimpse. Not to mention it helps me stop dwelling on some of these questions to which there are no answers.

with hesitancy

2010-05-01T09:20:00.003-04:00

I've been hesitant to write anything over the course of this past week because frankly, my mind is mush. I've been on a rollercoaster of emotions and completely exhausted. There were many moments where I would have a profound thought or want to remember what I was feeling at that time and be like, "I should write this down." Of course, I never did and thankfully I don't really remember much. There were and still are moments of hope in an unfailing God, but when I am weak and my defenses are down I become mad, frustrated, and just in despair.

John has been amazing throughout this whole ordeal. He has gone above and beyond picking up the slack that has resulted from my apathy. He has taken care of meals on the days when nothing is scheduled to be delivered, he has done the dishes, he has tidied up our place, he has given too many back rubs to count, he's allowed me to rest so as to take care of the new life growing within me, and overall he's been a stronghold for our family. I would not be functioning without my husband.

The biggest blow we received this week was when we were presented with the information regarding Malachi's inability to create his own T-cells required in the development of a functioning immune system. Most of the time, I feel like we are just waiting for Malachi to get sick--so sick that we have to decide to turn off his ventilator and stop most of his medications and just keep him from feeling the pain until he passes. When I allow myself to get that far, my mind then ventures even further. How much medical technology is too much? What will the long-term effects be of all this medication we're pumping into his little body? Am I ready to say good-bye? Funeral preparations? A scary road to go down.

not hiding it

2010-04-23T23:30:00.002-04:00

Well, not sure how much longer we would have been able to keep things a secret even if we tried...

9 weeks:

Really? Already!?!?

1st OB visit

2010-04-21T23:03:00.002-04:00

So not only did God knock some sense into me yesterday, but He also gave me the pleasure to see a completely normal-looking 9-week old baby whose heart is beating strong deep within me. AMAZING! Based on my LMP my due date is 11/27/10. The ultrasound measured the babe a bit bigger and gave a date of 11/23/10, but not significantly different enough to change the original 11/27 date. Can you believe it?!? God will be quickly adding to our family when Malachi is 13 months old. I'm still shocked and I'm still in awe.

It was a new doctor who made a great first impression. With my history, she will have my future ultrasounds done off-site to get a better high-resolution picture to tell if there are any structural abnormalities to be better prepared at the time of delivery if need be. The doctor's biggest concern is with everything going on that I can keep my anxiety to a minimum ;). I was curious what my blood pressure would be at this visit, and it was normal for me--maybe a bit high--115/60, but definitely not bad!

I'm starting this pregnancy about 5, okay maybe 10 pounds heavier than I did with my last. I wish I could chalk this belly bulge up to baby, but I'm thinking 9 weeks isn't too visible from the outside. So it looks like after this baby arrives I'm going to need to be a bit more diligent about getting back into decent shape.

Praying this pregnancy isn't as eventful as my prior two (miscarriage at 12 weeks and Malachi)!

a sense of "normalcy"

2010-04-21T22:29:00.003-04:00

I hesitated as I wrote the title for this post because, really, nothing in my life feels "normal" right now. We will get there though. I am sure of it.

God's Word states...
You keep him in perfect peace whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts in You. (Isaiah 26:3)

This verse has been on my mind and heart a lot lately. Unfortunately, for the last few days it had NOT been an encouraging verse. Instead, it has been very, very, very convicting. God finally used our little miss Emma to really bring it home. The last few days she has just been much more rebellious and much more disobedient. Throwing fits and tantrums (thankfully we weren't out and about). Just not her norm. It occurred to me the night before last that God was using Emma as a visual display of my rebellion and disobedience to Him. Even though I wasn't outwardly throwing a fit, inside I was harboring bitterness and resentment and outright distrust. There were many nights of crying myself to sleep. There was no prayer. There was no Bible study. There was no fellowship with God. My mind was NOT stayed on Him; therefore, I was not kept in perfect peace. You would think after five months of Malachi, I would be learning very up close and personally how vital and appropriate it is to simply trust God with my life. Just trust.

Feel free to leave a comment with a verse that you find as an encouragement in times of trials, suffering, and moments of disbelief. I will add them to my index card collection and use it as a tool to keep my mind stayed upon Him--my Sustainer.

Jesus states (in Matthew 6:25-34)...
"Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more important than food, and the body more important than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life? [Marissa, are you listening?]
"And why do you worry about clothes? See how the lilies of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith [er, Marissa]? So do not worry, saying, 'What shall we eat?' or 'What shall we drink?' or 'What shall we wear?' For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them [Amen!]. But seek first His kingdom and His righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

So, I seek after Him. I pray for the strength to endure the path He has set before me knowing it won't be easy. It will be very, very hard. I can only do it if my mind is stayed on Him. All that His Word calls me to be I can only accomplish in and through Him. So I will seek. I will study. I will pray. I will trust. He has promised to give me the grace I need for each moment because He saved me and wants to use scared, weak, faltering me to bring glory to His name. Amazing.

(oh, and nothing is really "normal" right now. chi is still in the hospital and we are separated as a family, but i have peace and for a Christian, peace should be the norm. that's as close as i get right now)

Wanting to be Irrational

2010-04-17T09:18:00.002-04:00

I don't think my husband understands my need to just be irrational at times. I want to sob uncontrollably and fret and worry and point fingers and find blame in everyone but myself. I want God to make Malachi whole. I want him to be all better. I can't control this and I want to SO BADLY. I want to be mad at God for making Malachi this way, but I'm not. I'm just frustrated with our current situation. I'm not very good with unknowns. I don't know what these blood tests are going to come back as. I don't know how long I will have my baby. I don't know if I can keep him "germ-free" enough so that he doesn't get sick and have to be readmitted to the hospital. I don't know what I would do if they thought it was best to just keep him in the hospital until they have all this stuff figured out. I'm tired. I'm scared. I'm frustrated. I want to be in control, but that's not my place. I want to be irrational. Thankfully, the Holy Spirit within me (and my husband) continually remind me that God is in control. God is good. Everything that happens WILL bring glory to His name.

struggling

2010-04-15T20:39:00.002-04:00

can i tell you how much i hate, hate, HATE being at the hospital. nope. i really don't think i could put it into words. two weeks is long enough to get used to something. i got used to having my baby home. the headache that has been holding on strong all day hasn't exactly helped my mood and perspective of all this either. when we took Chi down to get his PICC line. i signed consent--that awful paper that signs away my little boy to the mercy of nurses and physicians until I see him again minutes or hours later. this afternoon i signed, sat down in the waiting room, laid on the couch, and cried. not a good day. i am tired. i am weak. i am faltering.

Craving Routine

2010-04-11T10:30:00.002-04:00

Right now, the only routine in my life is that of Malachi's medication and feeding schedule. It's wearing me down. Our nursing schedule is inconsistent to say the least. Therefore, so is my sleep. It seems like the general outside opinion for what would be best for us regarding day or night nursing help is that we would benefit most from day help since we have Emerson at home during the day too to take care of. Frankly, I personally think I benefit most from a good night's rest in the same bed as my husband. A few hours here or there on the couch or recliner between starting and stopping his feeding pump and suctioning just isn't cutting it.

I'm learning I can handle Malachi and Emerson together during the day by myself while John is at work. Don't get me wrong, I won't turn down a little help during the day every now and then. But, right now, Emma and Chi both take afternoon naps. There is peace. There is quiet. At least for almost two hours of my day. Bliss.

Also, it's just weird being here during the day with a nurse. Especially if it's a male nurse. Weird.

All that to say, pray that we get consistent night nursing help. Fast.

Some Quick Pics

2010-04-07T23:16:00.004-04:00

So, I guess one of the nice things about being homebound with a toddler who doesn't really know what's going on outside the walls of our apartment is that she doesn't know when it's a couple days past the holiday. We spent Easter weekend talking about Christ's death and resurrection in terms we pray her 2-year-old mind can comprehend. She's truly an amazing gift to our family. Anywho, we were then able to tonight have our own little egg hunt at our home (not to mention everything is 50% off!). Here's some pics, in reverse order of her adventure...

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Don't you wish your hair looked like this after a little detangle spray and a ponytail? Sheesh! Super cute though!

We're under attack...

2010-04-03T23:22:00.003-04:00

Thanks for coming over this morning, Kelly. And even more so for the sheet of stickers you brought for Miss Emma!

It's True

2010-04-02T23:26:00.002-04:00

Yep. It's true. Can you believe it? We were certainly taken aback! Mr. Malachi is officially a big brother and will meet the next in the Sharbaugh clan about a month after he turns 1. I see minimal-to-no sleep in my future for the next few years. God is certainly amazing! He blessed us with this pregnancy and baby when we had decided it would be best to avoid it. Thankfully, we're not the ones in control. Not only does God know what's best for our family, but He also knows what's best for our man Malachi and big sister Emerson. It will truly be amazing to see how this all plays out. It will definitely help me to not baby Malachi for forever and it will most likely spur him on with developmental milestones and all that. We are still taking things one day at a time because, frankly, if I think too far ahead, those pesky hives show up and drive me crazy!

Has not the LORD made them one?
In flesh and spirit they are His.
And why one?
Because He was seeking godly offspring.
(Malachi 2:15)

Children are a gift from the Lord;
they are a reward from him.
(Psalm 127:3)

hmm....

2010-04-01T20:02:00.002-04:00

No, but really....

Surviving.

2010-03-31T10:27:00.002-04:00

As I write this, I am sitting on the sofa watching a movie with Emerson snuggled on my lap with Malachi in his seat on the floor only feet away. I LOVE IT! It took me forever to fall asleep last night, probably zonking out close to midnight. And John woke me up at about 4:45 for "shift change". He did great through the night and all that, so that's great! But I'm ready for a nap! Even though he doesn't seem to require TOO much messing with throughout the night, I know I will be thrilled when night nursing gets here at 11:00 PM so we can get some sleep! We will get into some sort of routine... eventually. Someone is stirring. Will probably need some suctioning... Good times.

God has a way

2010-03-29T23:53:00.002-04:00

God certainly has a way of using my life's circumstances to bring me to a point of overwhelming humbleness. I need to remember that I can't do this on my own. I can't be a devoted full-time Christian, full-time wife, full-time mother, and full-time nurse. Yet, I try. I try and I fail. I will learn. God will continue to humble me. I will press on. Tomorrow marks a new transition. A new phase. Pray for me. Pray for us. We need it.

Two Working Cars!

2010-03-28T14:42:00.003-04:00

Bonnie (our 1992 Pontiac Bonneville) has some revived life in her and hopefully we can get a few more thousand miles out of her. Not only that, BUT Maggie (our 2006 Dodge Magnum) isn't squeaking all over town anymore! The church body has an amazing way of taking care of one another's needs. For that we are SOOO thankful!

Bowling for Joy

2010-03-27T21:23:00.007-04:00

Well, for her birthday at least ;) A fun night out with the Sharbaugh's was had at the bowling alley.

I had to document that my first ball was a STRIKE!! John ended up beating me the first game, but I basically legitimately won the second. (I say almost because technically we had bumpers in our lane with Emma and Elyssa, but I'm pretty sure I only got like 4 or 5 extra pins and I won by 10).

They even had shoes for Emerson!

Happy Birthday, Joy!

Emma was pretty proud of herself for finding the blowers.
All ready to bowl!!

Stupid finances...

2010-03-25T19:40:00.002-04:00

So we're really trying to figure out what's best for us especially in regard to our pocketbooks. Quite frankly, we would LOVE to build and have a house that's new. BUT, we don't have the time or the manpower to do a lot of work ourselves, so we would have to completely pay a builder. Even a new small house is probably realistically out of our price range if we don't want to be married to our mortgage. We would also be fine with another foreclosure, IF we had the time, money, and energy to put the work into it to make the house livable. Besides $$$, another problem we are running into with buying an existing home is that we don't have the time to look at a bunch of different houses. John and I will be the only ones able to take care of Malachi except for a nurse and we're technically not allowed to run errands while the nurse is here. We, obviously, would like to stop renting again--as quickly as possible. Our lease technically isn't up until January, but we're trying to keep these things on the radar and be on the lookout for a good deal. Or maybe we just stay in an apartment.

On the bright side, some guys from church tweaked and tinkered with Bonnie and we're super thankful that she's going to last us for a while longer. We definitely won't be able to get any money out of her by selling now, so we'll drive her 'til she just won't drive anymore.

Kind of makes us think we shouldn't have necessarily paid off 1/2 of John's school loans with our tax return. Thankfully, we don't have any credit card debt and the only debt that we have is a small loan from my dad and the rest of John's school loan.

When Malachi comes home, I really won't be able to continue working much with my MT stuff from home. And now that insurance benefits and things like that are being taken out of John's checks, we're definitely cutting it close. We are thankful for what we had built up in our savings and that we had a bit of a cushion. And we are even more grateful for the generosity of people who have given gifts of money or gift cards for food and gas to help us in our current situation.

All that to say, pray for a raise... soon.

big financial decisions

2010-03-23T22:24:00.003-04:00

The more we get Malachi into and out of his stroller (on transport), the more we are realizing that neither of the two vehicles we have will be adequate to fit John, myself, Emerson, Malachi and all of his equipment. With a normal seating arrangement, it would probably work. BUT, I will need to be sitting in the backseat to monitor Malachi and be able to suction him or attend to him in any other way that he might need while we are in the vehicle. A very tight squeeze with Emma's carseat in the back as well. So if anyone has any tips or suggestions or advice for a minivan or minivan type vehicle, we are all ears.

Also, you can be in prayer for us as we venture back into the world of home ownership. With all of Malachi's medical needs, we will no longer be heading to China and therefore sticking around the area. We will be meeting with a realtor and building agency tomorrow.

Definitely not sure how all of this is going to play out, but God does. I ask that you might be willing to pray for us and that we make the proper choices and follow the right path as we move forward in both of these respects.

Losing the Battle

2010-03-20T23:26:00.002-04:00

Right now, I'm losing. I'm losing sight of the big picture. I'm overwhelmed. I'm sad that Malachi isn't coming home on Monday. I'm praying the doctors can figure out what to do to find out what is specifically causing him his oxygen saturation problems. I'm getting caught up in the fact that I have no clue what things are going to look like when he comes home... if he comes home... no, when he comes home. I'm tired of watching life just go on around me as if nothing has happened. Why can't time just stop and Malachi can get better and we can just all be home as a family? Nobody wants or expects there child to have so much to overcome. He's such a fighter. He's so much stronger than he should be at this point. Just a bit more and he can come home. And when he comes home, I want him to be able to stay home, at least for a few weeks. But, most likely, that won't be the case. I want to be optimistic, but I need to be realistic. Most importantly I need to get back to leaning day by day and moment by moment on the only One who can and will give me strength. Every day I am reminded that I can't do this on my own. Why do I keep trying? It doesn't work that way. It's not supposed to work that way. I don't even know what to pray most of the time--"Just help." I very much feel like no one understands what is going on. Even John, who is very much going through this right alongside me, I find myself being short with and almost "naggy." He knows better than anyone what life with Malachi is like. I need to remember: we're on the same team... He's such a good man and I am thankful that God gave him to me to fight this battle. I don't even know what else to say.

BUT...
God is Good.
God is Faithful.
God is True.

With that, I'm going to try to wipe away the tears and get some sleep tonight.

Feel Free to Unsubscribe

2010-03-19T22:42:00.004-04:00

So I am reclaiming my blog. It's mine again. I realize that many of those who subscribe to this site did so in order to keep up with Malachi. If you don't want to follow along with my random thoughts and perspectives on life as a wife, mother, and most importantly as a Christian, feel free to remove yourself from the "followers" or unsubscribe or whatever you need to do. Really, I won't take it personally. I promise. You can definitely still follow along with Malachi's story by subscribing to his site--there is a subscription link on the left sidebar. All that to say, thank you for joining our story, but don't feel bad if you only want to keep up with the Malachi side of things ;).

a good day

2010-03-18T23:36:00.002-04:00

Malachi's blog is in better shape...
Met with a fellow trach parent a new friend who is a few years farther along in this trach journey...
I was accepted into a Blogging for Books program (translation: free books for Marissa!)....
The sun was shining and it was gorgeous!
Miss Emma came to the hospital with me and was completely adorable with the nurses and more importantly with her brother...
For the first time, she told me she wanted to bring Malachi home...
March Madness began, and I even picked a few correct upsets...
Malachi smiled at me...
We're getting close to all being home... under one roof... together.

Malachi is moving!

2010-03-18T00:57:00.003-04:00

So, we're not quite home YET, but we're getting close. I also figured it was about time to move Malachi's story to it's own entity.

Visit http://malachisharbaugh.blogspot.com/ for future updates regarding our sweet, sweet baby boy.

It's definitely not where I want it, but the tweaking will have to wait until I'm more coherent. It's late!

Meals

2010-03-16T22:33:00.004-04:00

Many people have asked for tangible things that they can do to help us out during this time. Up until now, prayer really has been our only major request. Now that we are transitioning to home, one huge help would be that of providing meals.

By using TakeThemAMeal.com, I have been able to create an online meal schedule/sign-up. This will allow us to organize meals three times a week and not have to worry about multiple people bringing meals on the same day. There is also the ability to write a brief description of what you are bringing so as to avoid a week of the same food.

If you would like to sign up for a meal time, you can access the meal schedule by clicking here or by visiting TakeThemAMeal.com and locating the schedule by last name (Sharbaugh) and password (1027).

If you have any questions, please let me know!

Also, the default length for a meal calendar is 2 months. If we are still receiving interest regarding help in this area, just let me know and I will extend the calendar!